The Edge
by Manny101
Summary: Kendall and Logan have a great friendship until one of them realizes that he has different feelings for his best buddy.  Can they overcome their situation or will they have to say good-bye to each other forever?  Rated M for some drug use and references.
1. Chapter 1

I was inspired to write this story after I saw Kendall Schmidt and Logan Henderson's cover of John Mayer's _Edge of Desire _on YouTube. Because of this, I have created three music compilation videos that I will post on YouTube. These music vids will tie directly into this story. I urge you to view them after you've read the chapters where I make a reference to them. You'll know what they'll be, trust me. The songs and images I have chosen, I feel, add a bit more dimension to the story either because of their lyrics or because they reflect the mood of that particular part of the narrative. That is why I won't post them until the chapters that contain the songs come up in the story. Please enjoy the story and check out the accompanying videos on YouTube. The link appears on my profile page. Thanks everyone!

**The Edge**

_Chapter One_

"Alright, Dogs! That's a wrap!" Gustavo bellowed into the studio microphone. "Take a couple of hours while I work out the next verse of this brilliant song," he told them.

The boys were all relieved at hearing this since their day had been extremely long and rough. Between rehearsing and learning new dance steps, harmonizing, working out, and doing interviews, their voices and bodies were in need of a good rest.

"I just need some beauty sleep," James said looking at himself in the sound booth's reflection. "I'm gonna go to my dressing room and I don't want to be disturbed!" he announced as he practically ran out of the studio.

"I think I need a Jamba Juice!" Carlos exclaimed. "Mmmmmmmmm," he teased to Logan and Kendall.

"Bring me one, will ya?" Kendall called to the back of Carlos' head. Carlos merely waved, acknowledging the request.

Logan and Kendall walked silently out, smiling wearily, betraying their tiredness. They headed down the hall to the lounge where they went for the snack machine. Junk food always perked them up ever since they were kids in school in Minnesota. Logan absentmindedly started to hum a song that he'd heard and could not get out of his head, no matter how much he tried.

"Hey!" Kendall exclaimed. "I've had that same John Mayer song stuck in my brain all day, too. _Edge of Desire_, right?" He started to harmonize with Logan offering suggestions as they went along. "You know what? We should totally sing this and post it. What do you think?"

"Sure. That would be great," Logan replied, never wanting to disappoint his best friend. "Just give me a minute and I'll be at your 'closet' in a few." Kendall chuckled at Logan's reference to the tiny office/dressing room/closet that the boys finally got Gustavo to agree to give them. They all needed a place to take a break, sometimes even from each other.

After a while, Logan knocked on Kendall's door. "Come in, Logan!" Kendall yelled. Logan entered the room to find Kendall changing his shirt. Logan immediately looked away. It's not that he was uncomfortable, since he'd seen Kendall with way less clothing on many times before. But lately, there was something inside Logan that was eating at him. He wasn't exactly sure what it was, but he knew it definitely had something to do with Kendall.

"So, are you ready?" Kendall asked, placing a hand on his friend's shoulder.

"Huh?" Logan answered, still thinking about this uncertain _something_ that was dominating his thoughts.

"Are you ready to rehearse this once? Then we can go ahead and post it."

"Yeah. Let's do it," Logan said with a big smile that he didn't really feel.

Kendall got his guitar and started to strum the song. He started to sing and Logan jumped in at the correct moments instinctively. As Logan sang with Kendall, he kept looking into Kendall's eyes. He became a little worried because he never wanted to be as close to Kendall as he did at that very moment. _It has to be the lyrics of this song, _he thought to himself. As they finished the second verse, Logan was keenly aware that he was no longer just singing _with_ Kendall, he was singing _to_ Kendall.

And it didn't help that Kendall hadn't broken his gaze from Logan. As Kendall sang with Logan, he felt that there was something different about his friend. He could usually read Logan like a book, but it seemed that he was holding something back. Maybe they were both just tired. _It'll pass_, he thought.

"That sounded pretty good, Buddy," Kendall offered, almost too enthusiastically, trying to break the melancholy mood the song evoked. "Let's record it".

Kendall placed the laptop they would use on the table in front of them. He told Logan that he wanted to introduce him before they sang the song. "Wait off camera until I call you," he explained. He turned it on.

"Hey everyone, I've got someone here that would like to sing a little ditty," Kendall said to the camera.

"Hey guys, we'd like to sing this song that has been stuck in our heads…" Logan couldn't finish. Carlos walked in and interrupted the session. Holding two Java Juice cups, he handed one to Kendall.

"You get Kendall a Java Juice but not one for me," Logan told him in mock anger. "Just sit down and listen, then". Carlos sat down behind the boys in the back of the room as they began their song.

Logan was grateful that he had his back to Kendall for most of the song. Some of the lyrics had hit him harder than he thought they would. And it didn't help matters that it was Kendall's voice that was singing to him, a voice he loved, belonging to a friend he suddenly desired. _If anyone knows about desire,_ _it's me and what I'm feeling now,_ surprising himself with this thought as they continued to sing_. _He dared to glance at Kendall only a couple of times during their duet, but that was enough to make up his mind. He had to speak about what he was feeling and thinking to Kendall. Maybe he would say something that would snap him out of these silly thoughts and set him straight. Kendall had always told him the truth. Logan counted on that.

After they were finished, Logan turned off the laptop. Silence filled the whole room. Logan looked at Kendall and opened his mouth to speak. He suddenly remembered that Carlos was in the room and stayed silent.

_What was wrong with Logan?, _Kendall thought to himself. _Did he want to say something to me? _But out loud he said, "That was great, Logan. What did you think, Carlos?"

Carlos gave them a "thumbs up" gesture and walked out of the room, sensing something was not quite right, but not able to put his finger on it. But they were the closest guys of the group and he was used to them having their own communication shortcuts and inside jokes.

Logan's heart was beating fast and he knew that it was now or never. He looked at Kendall who was putting his guitar in its case but glancing up at Logan expectantly. "What's up, lil Bro?" Kendall finally asked, breaking the uncomfortable silence.

"I wanna tell you something," Logan began. "Come sit down for a second." Kendall did as he was told with a confused expression on his face, eyebrow raised. "Kendall, I have always treasured our friendship. We have always had great times together, really fun times. I've confided in you and you in me. We've shared a lot and for a long time…"

Kendall was still not sure where Logan was going with this. All he knew is that he was beginning to feel a little worried and concerned as he watched his friend pace back and forth. He was also aware that he was feeling a little self conscious under Logan's stare. These were eyes that he'd never seen on Logan before: a little sad, a little scared, and a lot confused.

"Just tell me," Kendall prodded gently as Logan's voice became weak and trailed off his sentence. "Whatever it is, we can handle it and deal with it. I would never run from you. You know that."

Logan hoped that was true. "Lately I've been having these feelings. I don't know why or how. All I know is that I have them and they're scaring the hell out of me." He sat next to Kendall, afraid to look directly at him.

Kendall put his arm around his pal. Nothing that Logan could tell him would ever change how he felt about him. He'd already guessed that his friend was gay. This was the moment that he was going to come out to him, he decided. He was proud of his friend for trusting him like that. They had never kept secrets from each other. Then something he heard Logan say snapped him back to reality like someone had slapped him in the face.

"…and – and I think that I have feelings for _you_, Kendall. It's not sudden. I've thought about this for a while. It just took us singing together today for it to mesh in my mind… a-and my heart. I just couldn't pretend any longer. It hurts too much and I'm tired of it." A single, silent tear fell off his cheek.

Kendall turned and slowly removed his arm from around Logan's shoulder. _God, what am I supposed to say?, _he thought. _I do love Logan but not like __**that**__! I never thought about it, though. I don't believe this. __This is __**not**__ happening! Why, Logan, why? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY! _With his mouth dry and a lump in his throat, he turned to face Logan.

"Logan, I'm so glad you told me about yourself. Coming out can't be easy and I'm proud of you. But -"

Logan knew from the moment Kendall took his arm off his shoulders, he was doomed. That small gesture spoke volumes to him. His heart sank, not wanting to hear what he knew Kendall was going to say.

"I'm kinda flattered, Logan, that you would think so much of me. I just - when I try to picture you and me, I – it's just not – not - _**natural**_! We're _**friends**_, remember? Practically brothers, but that's all!" Kendall walked to the door sorry that his words had sounded harsher than he had intended. "I gotta go."

As he exited the room, Kendall heard Logan call his name, barely a whisper. But in that whisper he could hear his plea, his hurt. He couldn't stay, though. This was too much to handle right now. He needed to be outside, in the sun and away from Logan.

The door barely made a noise as Logan slowly looked up and saw his friend leaving him. It was too much to bear. The tears flowed freely now and his entire body shook with his sobs. "You said you'd never run from me," he whispered to himself. "I believed you, but you ran anyway!"

After what seemed to be an eternity, Logan sat up from the couch where he'd laid himself down and lost track of the time. He got up and walked into the small bathroom. He washed his tear-streaked face and blew his nose. Looking in the mirror, he couldn't help but notice his puffy, red eyes. He stared into his own eyes until it felt like there was someone else staring back at him, a stranger. A chill ran down his spine.

He snapped out of it suddenly, a single thought piercing his mind:

_What have I done?_

_**God, what have I done?**_


	2. Chapter 2

**The Edge**

_Chapter Two_

"Jaaaaaames!" Carlos yelled as he entered the other boy's closet. "Get up! It's quittin' time."

James opened his still heavy eyes and tried to focus. "Wha-?"

"C'mon. Gustavo cut us loose early, writer's block or something. Now get your butt up while I go get Kendall and Logan."

Carlos went to Kendall's dressing room and entered without knocking. He found Logan walking out of the bathroom, a pained and distant look on his face. Whatever he'd sensed earlier, it had only gotten worse. Logan was never one to be so sad and detached. Carlos looked around but didn't see Kendall.

"Ready to go? We've been sprung!" he said enthusiastically, trying to lift his friend's mood. "Have you seen Kendall? I want to let him know, too."

At the mention of Kendall's name, a wave of emotion threatened to flood over Logan. He didn't want Carlos to see him like that. He quickly turned around and sat on the couch, putting his head in his hands.

"Dude, I have such a raging headache right now," he explained. "And I think Kendall left already. He said he needed to get some air or something like that."

"Awww, Man! He got a head start. Oh well, hurry up. I'll meet you at the car."

Moments later, all three boys boarded one of the Rocque limos. As they headed towards the Palmwoods, both James and Carlos noticed Logan's silence. He had his sunglasses on and was resting his head on the seat.

James gave a quizzical look to Carlos, nodding his head toward Logan.

"Headache," Carlos told him. As he looked out the window, he saw Kendall walking down the street, hands in his pockets. "Hey look, it's Kendall!"

James rolled down his window. "Hey, Kendall!" he yelled and waved. "Stop and we'll pick you up!"

Kendall saw the car. He saw James wave and heard his friend's instructions. He knew that Logan would be with them and decided that there was no way he could face him right now. He gestured for them to keep going. He wanted to keep walking – and thinking. The more he thought, though, the more confused he seemed to become. _Logan, I don't understand, _his inner voice said.

After what seemed to be an eternity, Kendall approached the Palmwoods. The lights were on and the hotel looked like a brightly lit palace. He must have walked all day. He took out his cell phone and looked at the time. _11:45_. "Whoa," he mumbled to himself. He wanted to go to his room and lay on his bed since his body was so tired and aching. But Logan would be there: his roommate, Logan; his childhood friend, Logan; his best friend. _The guy who just told me he loved me! _He shook his head as if to clear the thought.

Kendall was walking through the lobby when he noticed a familiar face on the Palmwoods' computer. He walked over and tapped the longhaired boy on the shoulder.

The boy looked up and exclaimed, "Duuuuuude!"

"Hey, Guitar Dude. What ya doin'?"

"Looking to see if I have any messages. I'm playing a couple of gigs this weekend and I'm supposed to get the info from my boys. What're you doing out this late? You and the other singing Dudes are usually in your righteous pad by now."

"Yeah. I don't know if I wanna crash at home tonight. Just - well - stuff happens." Kendall lowered his eyes, not wanting to betray his confusion and hurt. "I guess I'll see you around." Kendall turned to go.

"Wait, Bro. If you need a place to crash tonight, you can stay with me. It ain't your cool ass apartment, but it's home and it has a couch!"

Kendall couldn't help but smile. "That sounds like a winner, Dude. Thanks."

Guitar Dude gathered his things and led Kendall up to his studio apartment.

"Home sweet home!" Dude exclaimed as he let Kendall inside. "Have a seat, Bro. I'll be right back."

Kendall saw an area on the floor with a rug and pillows arranged on it. It looked like a comfortable sitting area. He walked over and sat on one of the big, fluffy pillows. It felt good just to be off his feet.

"Cool! I see you found the _Zen Zone,_" Guitar Dude said as he entered the room, dimming the lights. In his hands he was carrying a psychedelic looking object. He sat down on a pillow opposite Kendall. "Do you partake, Dude?"

Kendall had been an athlete all his life. He had never done any kind of drug. He'd been tempted but had never given in. Dude could see that Kendall was thinking about it, rolling it around in his mind.

"Bro, you just looked so out of it downstairs. This'll help you relax, I swear. This is why I have the _Zen Zone_. Sometimes you just have to tune out and give your gray matter a break. It won't hurt ya."

Guitar Dude packed the bong's bowl and lit it. He inhaled deeply with his eyes closed. After coughing a few times, he handed it to Kendall.

Kendall took it but was still unsure.

"Duuuuuude. You're not in training anymore, Bro. Hockey was a lifetime ago, right? You're in L.A. now. When in Rome, my friend." Dude handed Kendall his lighter.

"Screw it!" Kendall lit the bong and inhaled. The coughing fit that possessed his body shook him to his core. His face was red and tears escaped his eyes. Guitar Dude began to laugh at his guest.

"Whoa, Bud! Not so hard. Inhale smooth and easy, like this." Dude took the bong from Kendall and showed him how it was done. Dude exhaled slowly feeling the effects of the herb beginning to take hold of him. He handed it back to Kendall. "Good stuff, Man."

Kendall took the psycho bong back and lit it. He inhaled just like Dude had showed him. This time he felt more in control and only coughed a couple of times. He was definitely beginning to relax. He felt his body's tension slowly escaping him as a pleasant buzz began to assert itself.

After a few more hits, Guitar Dude put the bong on the table. He blew smoke towards the ceiling and turned to Kendall. "So, Dude, why the long face earlier? Looked like you were upset about something."

Kendall had seen Guitar Dude around many times. He'd gone to the same parties and shared the same Palmwoods gang, but he didn't really consider him a friend. He was an acquaintance. Still, sometimes it was easier to talk to a stranger than someone close to you. That brought him some comfort. Before he knew what his mouth was doing, he was telling Dude all that had happened with his best friend. Even if he'd wanted to stop himself, he couldn't. His words, heavy with emotion and urgency, just poured out of him. A dam had burst and his words were filling up the room.

"Bro, that is pretty heavy. How do you feel about him? You've known each other for your whole lives, practically. You have to be close for some reason. Maybe it's not the reason that you thought it was. Maybe the real reason is something a little deeper, something different. Maybe you need to open your mind, **Open Your Heart**." He paused. "Or maybe not!" Dude broke out in a giggle as he moved closer to Kendall. He put his arm around Kendall's waist and moved in closer still.

"You know, in my experience, you have to take things as they come. I mean, I like girls. I loooove chicks, but sometimes, once in a zillion years, I like the feel of another guy, especially if he's nice and cute and talented. If I see something deep in a guy, that's a huge turn on for me. It's like I have to be part of that karma. It's so much better when there's a real spiritual connection. It makes the physical connection a thousand times more special. But, Dude, that's just me. I gotta go with the flow! And right at this moment in time and space, I really just want to…" Guitar Dude trailed off and moved his head toward Kendall's.

_What's going on?_ Kendall thought. The weed was clouding everything. His head was spinning both because of his buzz and trying to process what Guitar Dude had just said to him. In the immediate silence, he felt something else. Dude's lips were on his. Kendall froze for an instant, but then he realized that it wasn't too bad. The boys separated trying to gather their breaths. Dude leaned in again and this time Kendall kissed him back, wrapping his arms around him.

Kendall had his eyes closed when they separated again, feeling Dude stroke his blond hair. He sighed contentedly and smiled. Opening his eyes, he was startled at what he saw. "Logan?" he whispered softly, brows furrowed.

"Huh? No, Man, it's me. The Dude! Are you okay?" Dude could see the confusion on Kendall's face.

Logan's face began to fade in Kendall's mind's eye. He could have sworn it was Logan he had just been with. But now Dude's apartment was coming back into focus. He saw his new friend looking at him with concern.

Kendall wanted to leave. He felt a little claustrophobic. He stood to leave but had to steady himself as the blood rushed to his head making him dizzy. He recovered himself and walked unsteadily to the door.

"Kendude, maybe you should sleep it off for a few. I promise, nothing weird will happen. I get it, hands off."

"Naw, Man, I'm not mad," Kendall slurred. "Thanks for listening to me. And thanks for the greenage. But I-I gotta go. I gotta go figure this out!" With that, Kendall opened the door and walked out into the hallway, unsure of his destination. He had to sit, though. His legs were still a bit unsteady. He wandered downstairs to the pool area. It was extremely late and there was no one in sight.

"Just for a minute," he said to himself. He took the pool chair closest to him and stretched out on it, breathing deeply. Before he knew it, Kendall was asleep, too tired to dream.


	3. Chapter 3

**The Edge**

_Chapter Three_

Kendall was not in his bed. Logan was painfully aware that his friend hadn't come home. He glanced at the clock on his night table. _3:38_. Logan thought about the events of the day that had led to this moment. He felt angry with himself. _I should have never said anything!_ a pained voice yelled in his mind. _Look at what's happened!_

He couldn't bear the thought of spending the rest of his life without Kendall being a part of it. He could remember the first day he met him, out on the playground in their neighborhood park. They had grown up just a few blocks from each other in a nice, green suburb. They had gone to the same school for as long as he could remember. They had always tried to get the same classes together. They'd started playing hockey together. Their friendship had grown with them over the years. It felt comfortable and _right_. But now that seemed like a lifetime ago. Things had changed dramatically in the blink of an eye.

"Because of me and my big mouth!" Logan wailed to the empty room. _I never should have said what I feel. How in the world did I expect him to react? __**I**__ didn't know how to act or feel until that stupid song. _Logan's smile was bitter. _That damn song_. He should have never agreed to sing it with Kendall, but how could he have known what emotions it would unlock in him? The ache in his chest threatened to overcome him. He felt the beginnings of tears in his eyes. He knew his heart was breaking and the only person who could help him had run from him. _You said you'd never run from me! _

Logan got out of his bed and went into the living room. He had hoped to see Kendall sleeping on the couch, but he wasn't there. He wanted to know that his friend was all right. If anything happened to Kendall, it would be his fault. The thought made Logan shudder. _Where are you, Kendall? _This was going to be a long night.

He went back into his shared bedroom and closed the door. As he walked into the room, his gaze immediately went to Kendall's empty bed. A heavy, pained sigh escaped from Logan. He walked to Kendall's bed and sat down. If he closed his eyes, he could almost hear Kendall's voice. And his laugh. He thought his laugh was like the warmth of the sun on his face on a cold winter's day, or a blast of cold air in the hot summer. Kendall's laugh instantly made him feel better, always made him smile. It was his soul's tonic.

Logan pulled the covers back on Kendall's bed and lay down in it. He could still feel Kendall there. The tears that had been threatening to come finally overwhelmed him. They ran down unchecked to Kendall's pillow. Logan buried his face in it sobbing quietly. He took a big breath, inhaling Kendall's aroma. Logan could make out shampoo and hair gel with a hint of cologne. But he also sensed Kendall's musky scent, the real Kendall. _Oh,_ _Kendall!_

Logan pulled himself into a fetal position with him clutching Kendall's pillow. His thoughts were racing. _I just feel so stupid. How could I have thought that he would be happy about this? What's wrong with me? How can I make this right? I have to make this right!_

As Logan finally began to drift off into sleep, he began to form a decision in his mind. He knew how to make it better. If Kendall couldn't handle this, then he'd have to remove himself from him. Their friendship was tainted now. Even if by some miracle Kendall forgave this episode, things would be different between them. He couldn't stand the thought of that. _What would be the point? Things would be weird for us from now on!_

The light of the day began to touch the window's blinds. The morning had come to Logan but not the brightness. He'd gotten only a few minutes sleep when his clock's alarm went off. He was about to throw his pillow at the offending noise but remembered that he was in Kendall's bed, had Kendall's pillow. He hugged it tighter and wondered how he was going to face him at the studio. There was a tap at the door. Logan got up to find James smiling sleepily on the other side.

"Hey, Logan. We don't have time for breakfast. We're gonna grab something on the way to the studio. Gustavo wants us there early today. Tell Kendall, will ya."

Before Logan could tell him that Kendall wasn't there, he had disappeared into the bathroom. _He'll find out soon enough_, he thought. Logan closed the door and began to dress, not caring about taking a shower. He was nervous. Kendall would almost certainly be at the studio today. What would he say to him? _What will he say to me?_

Logan, James, and Carlos all went to the lobby to wait for their limousine. As they waited, both boys began to question Logan.

"So, he didn't come home last night?" James asked. "Why not?"

"Yeah. Did you two guys have a fight or something?" Carlos followed up.

"Or something," Logan mumbled to them, eyes downcast. "Guys, I don't know where he went or why he didn't come home. Can we please just drop it? You can ask him yourselves when we get to work." Logan hated lying to his friends but he had to talk to Kendall before he said anything to them.

The boys gave each other a quick glance as Logan put on his sunglasses and his headphones. Clearly, he wasn't going to discuss Kendall's absence any further. Frustrated, James and Carlos fell silent as their car pulled up to the hotel. They all got in and made their way to Rocque Records, forgetting breakfast. They'd all lost their appetites anyway.

In the car, Logan had had a chance to think. This thing between him and Kendall could not go on. He didn't want to be the one that created a permanent rift between himself and the other guys or Kendall and the guys. After all, their relationship, or lack of one, would affect them, too. _I don't want it to be weird_, Logan told himself in his head. The other guys would pick up on the strangeness, if they hadn't already. _I HAVE TO TALK TO KENDALL!_

As if the universe had heard Logan's desperate plea, he saw Kendall entering the back door to Rocque Records. Their car immediately pulled up to the same spot. The boys got out as Logan lead the way into the building. He was determined to see his friend and try to explain what he was thinking, what he planned – what he felt. He noticed his body trembling a bit as he made his way to Kendall's closet. He felt hot and the lump in his throat was more like a boulder. Logan wiped his perspiring palms on his pants and knocked on the door.

At that moment, Kendall was coming around the corner with a cup of fresh coffee in his hand. He needed this cup after sleeping in the night air on that uncomfortable lounge chair. He was still very tired. _I hope I can make it through this day_. That was when he saw Logan at his closet door and froze. His first instinct was to go to him and make some sort of stupid comment of how crappy Logan looked that morning. Logan's incensed reaction always made Kendall laugh. Unfortunately, he couldn't do that. He knew why Logan wanted to see him and he didn't want to talk about it yet. He would never be able to concentrate if more drama injected itself into his life. Quietly and without being seen, Kendall turned around and walked quickly down the hall.

During the entire morning, Logan had tried time and time again to speak to his best friend. Curiously, Kendall was never alone at any time. At first, Logan thought he was imagining things. As the day went along, though, he noticed that it was Kendall that always called someone to join him every time he caught Logan looking at him. In the rehearsal hall, the boys would be singing and trying to synchronize their dance moves. Twice Kendall had suggested that Carlos and Logan change positions, moving Logan further away from him. When they were in the recording booth, he purposely made James sit between them. Logan had never known Kendall to avoid his problems. If anything, Logan admired Kendall's ability to meet things head on, to face the fear. Then again, he'd never had to deal with something like this.

By the afternoon, Logan was not sure if he was more hurt or angry. _This is ridiculous, _Logan thought, sitting in his closet. His door was open so he saw when James and Kendall walked to the lounge. _I have to talk to him. If I don't do it now, I'll never get a chance to. _Logan walked to the door and saw the boys walking down the hall. His resolve waned, just a bit, when he heard Kendall's laugh. He hadn't heard it in a while. The memories that came flooding back almost made him stumble. That laughter was the sound of happier times, when most of Kendall's attention was focused on him. Logan straightened himself, forcing himself to follow them. _Go! You have to._

He found his friends standing near a soda machine in the corner of the room. They were talking about a surfing trip that James wanted all the boys to go on. James was talking fast, very animated. Logan was sorry that he was going to have to break the mood.

Out of the corner of his eye, Kendall saw Logan approaching them. He panicked. Without thinking, he pulled James in front of him as if the taller boy could hide him.

"What the -?" James said. He looked over his shoulder and saw Logan. James knew that there was something weird happening between his buddies. These two had never been so distant and cold, especially to each other. If he didn't know any better, he could have sworn that this felt like a lover's spat. Looking from one boy to the other, he knew something had changed.

Logan saw what Kendall did with James. If he'd wanted to send him a message, it couldn't have been clearer. If he hadn't known what to do before, he knew now. He was not going to be the one to make Kendall uncomfortable every time he entered a room. He was not going to be the one to jeopardize their careers if the truth ever came out. He felt his lips start to quiver, his eyes turn moist. _Why does it hurt so much?_

"You win," Logan whispered, looking directly at Kendall. The last thing Logan saw was Kendall looking uncomfortably at the floor, shifting on his feet. James was standing next to him feeling awkward and confused. Logan left the lounge not caring who saw him being emotional. _It doesn't matter now anyway._ He slowly walked the corridors for what seemed to be hours. He finally came to his destination – Gustavo's office.

Swallowing hard, he walked in without knocking. His boss was on the phone but motioned for Logan to sit down. After a few minutes, the older man ended his call. Gustavo looked hard at Logan. Something had changed and he didn't like it. Logan was always the level headed one. If something was bothering him, it had to be important.

"What's up, lil Dog?" Gustavo asked, being uncharacteristically chipper. "Are you here to tell me what the heck happened today?" When Logan didn't answer, he continued. "What was wrong with you guys? I peeked in on rehearsals and the sound booth. It's as if there was no spark, no energy. You and Kendall, especially, seemed distracted. So let me give you some advice. Whatever it is,** fix it!**" That was the Gustavo he knew.

Logan usually cringed when Gustavo bellowed at him and the guys like that. Today, his brain had enough to process. He didn't feel the fear, couldn't feel it. Logan gave his boss a weak smile and swallowed hard. The time had come.

"Gustavo, first let me say thanks. If it hadn't been for you, I would have never spent the happiest days of my life here in L.A. It has been a blast and a half. But as much as I love it here, I feel like I'm not cutting it here. I miss my home and family in Minnesota. I miss my other friends and - and I have an education to think about."

"Where are you going with this, Logan?" Gustavo's eyes narrowed. He didn't like what this was beginning to sound like – a goodbye. He had never known Logan to be anything but smart and thoughtful. This was not like him. His tone softened.

"Look, Logan, if you need some more time off - How about a long weekend? That'll clear up your mind and get those artistic juices flowing again. Just let me make the arrangements so - " Gustavo's hand was on his desk phone.

Logan stood and put his hand over Gustavo's, gently hanging up his boss' phone. In spite of his ranting and raving, his overbearing and eccentric ways, he was actually going to miss his rotund producer. He'd worked him and the other boys to death, but on some level, he cared about them.

Logan again took his boss' hand but this time he shook it tightly. With his other hand, he reached into his pants pocket and pulled out a folded and wrinkled envelope. He handed it to Gustavo who looked at it like it was poison. He didn't want to touch it but Logan was insistent.

"Aw, Logan!" Gustavo uttered, as he read the letter. "Do you know what you're doing?"

Logan looked at Gustavo. He'd never seen the big man so quiet and at a loss for words. And was that a lump in his throat that made his voice crack? He could be a big softie when he wanted to be. He would miss him.

"Yes, I know what I'm doing." Logan swallowed hard. "I'm fixing it."

Logan opened the door and looked back at his old boss one more time. He gave him a sad, defeated smile. "See you in the funny papers, Gustavo Rocque."

Logan quickly made his way to his closet. He'd always kept his space clean and organized so packing his stuff would be fast and easy. Still, he didn't want to run into any of the guys right now. He had to go to 2J and pack a few things. He'd get one of the other guys to send the rest of his stuff to Minnesota later on. He picked up his backpack and looked around, etching every detail in his mind. A silent tear fell from him. With that, Logan Mitchell left Rocque Records, not looking back – not even once.


	4. Chapter 4

**The Edge**

_Chapter Four_

It was almost noon and the boys had not seen Logan since they all rode in that morning. That was not like him.

"Did he say anything to you?" James asked Carlos. "He hasn't been acting like himself lately."

"I know, right? I figured something was up but he never said what. I should have straight up asked him."

Kendall listened in silence as the other two discussed where Logan could possibly be. He sipped his bottled water slowly, avoiding eye contact with his friends. Inside, Kendall was trying desperately not to feel guilty. After all, this situation wasn't his fault. _Logan's the one that dropped this on me! He's the one to blame. _Deep down, Kendall knew that he had a hand in Logan's disappearance. _Dammit!_

Kendall heard his name. "Huh?" he answered.

Carlos tried again. "What happened between yesterday and today? The only thing that he seemed upset about was you."

"Yeah! And what did he mean this morning when he said, 'You win'? That was kinda weird," James chimed in.

Both boys turned and looked at Kendall expectantly, as if he could furnish them with all the answers. Kendall felt his face turning hot. He couldn't tell them about Logan being gay. That was something he'd have to tell them himself. And as for the rest of it, there was no way he was talking about _that_! Kendall just shrugged his shoulders letting the boys know that he knew nothing.

Just as James was about to protest that Kendall knew more than he was telling, Kelly entered the room. The boys noticed that the smile they always expected her to have was not there. As a matter of fact, it looked like she'd been crying.

"Guys," she said quietly. "Gustavo wants to see all of you in his office right now."

"What's it about, Kelly? Can you give us a heads up?" Carlos asked.

All Kelly could muster was, "You better go now." She hurriedly left the room.

The boys opened the door to Gustavo's office and stood in front of his desk. The producer stared at them, weighing his words before he spoke. The silence became deafening.

"You wanted to see us, Boss?" Kendall asked tentatively.

"Sit down for a sec, Boys." He didn't call them "Dogs". They knew that whatever it was, it wasn't good.

"As you may have noticed, Logan is not here right now. I know you may be wondering why. I have to tell you that this is hard for me to say."

"What do you mean, Boss?" James asked, now worried about what the news actually was.

"Logan came to me this morning and told me he was going through some personal stuff. I offered to give him a break from everything but that wasn't enough for him. He told me he missed his home and Minnesota. He also told me that he felt he wasn't making it here, which is ridiculous! In a nutshell, Guys, he's gone."

"What do you mean 'gone'?" Kendall asked in disbelief. "You mean, gone for the day or for the week, right?" His throat was threatening to close on him.

"No, Kendall. Logan wanted to go home. He gave me this envelope." He held it up for them to see. "It's his formal resignation. He's quit the group."

The news registered on the boys. They were all looking at Gustavo with shock on their faces, unable to say anything, mouths open.

_This isn't happening! _Kendall thought. Logan couldn't have quit the group. He _loved_ Big Time Rush. It was an impossibility that he'd ever leave them high and dry. Logan was too careful and analytical to make a rash decision like that. Then again, they'd been navigating in uncharted waters for the last couple of days and it was making Kendall's head swim. Still, there was no way that he'd let Logan run away. The group wouldn't be the same without him. He didn't want to do this without him. _You have to come back, Logan! You just have to._

Kendall regained his composure. "Where is he now?" he struggled to ask.

"He took the car and went to pack a few things, I guess. Kelly booked him a flight to Minneapolis/St. Paul. He should be leaving soon," Gustavo explained. "I'm sorry, Boys. I actually really liked Logan."

Kendall didn't wait for his boss to dismiss him. He jumped up and left the office. He had to find Logan, though he was unsure what he'd say to him once he found him. _What am I going to do?_

Kendall ran outside and flagged down a taxi. Once he climbed inside, he told the driver to head to the Palmwoods. He took out his cell phone and dialed Logan's number. Voicemail. "Dammit!" he muttered. He hung up and dialed again.

"Katie!" he shouted excitedly. "Have you heard from Logan?"

Katie sounded upset as she told Kendall that Logan had been there and packed some of his stuff. He'd tearfully said goodbye to her and their Mom and left for the airport.

"Thanks, Katie. It'll be okay, I promise." He hung up the phone. He looked at his driver. "To LAX, please."

The taxi turned around and made its way to the airport.

The minutes seemed to stretch out like hours. Kendall would have to stop Logan somehow. Whatever else was happening between them, he couldn't let Logan quit the best thing that had happened to all of them. They'd always managed to work out issues that had arisen between them in the past and it'd made their friendship stronger. This was no different. _Well, maybe a little._

The taxi finally pulled up to the curb in front of the airport. He paid the driver and ran inside. In all the excitement, he'd forgotten to ask what airline Logan was booked on. No matter. The airport had a million of those screens with arrivals and departures on them. He'd just have to find the right flight. He saw a monitor and ran to it.

As Kendall was scanning the flight information, Logan was in line for the metal detector. He decided to make a quick call to his Mom. He had to let her know that he was coming home. He was sure that she would ask many questions but her answers would have to wait until he got home. "Home," he whispered to himself.

Logan collected his backpack from the x-ray detector and slung it on his shoulder. He looked at his ticket, double-checking his gate information. He walked down the corridor looking for the gate. His steps began to feel heavy as the realization of what he was doing began to dawn on him. He was going to miss L.A. in spite of what he'd told Gustavo. He was going to miss Big Time Rush and all that it had promised to be. Of course, there was James and Carlos. He'd have to call them eventually and explain to them what had happened. Right now, though, he already missed them terribly. And then there was Kendall. _Kendall! _Logan sighed. Gathering the last of his inner strength, he looked ahead and walked briskly down the terminal's long corridor.

Kendall breathlessly arrived at the entry point that Logan's flight information had indicated. He looked at his watch and felt panic. Only a few minutes left before Logan would be gone. He looked beyond the security checkpoint and scanned the crowd. _Where are you? _He kept looking. _There!_ He saw the back of Logan's head. There was no one else it could be.

"Logan!" Kendall yelled out as he made his way to the detectors. "Logan!" he yelled louder, almost screaming. As Kendall was going to step through one of the machines, a security guard asked him for his ticket. Kendall explained that he didn't have one. He just wanted to talk to his friend before he got on the plane.

"Sorry, Sir. Only ticketed passengers are allowed beyond this point." The stern looking man said.

"But I _have_ to talk to him," Kendall explained. "I just have to." Kendall tried to move passed the security agent but instead felt the man's strong grip on his arm.

"Sorry, Sir. If you don't leave now, I'll have to call Homeland Security and have them deal with you. You cannot go through here. Do you understand?"

Feeling defeated and deflated, Kendall silently nodded to the agent. He helplessly watched as Logan walked away from him, getting smaller and smaller in the distance. This was not how this was supposed happen. He was supposed to stop him and resolve this conflict. He felt a wave of sadness wash over him as he realized that he had failed.

As Logan was walking to his gate, he was thinking about leaving and never coming back. His thoughts raced with all the things he'd done, the places he'd gone, and the people he'd met. A flood of images and emotions coursed through his brain. He even thought that he'd heard someone calling to him from afar. He knew the voice but decided that it was his imagination, a voice from his past. _It sounded so real. I must be losing it!_ He finally arrived at the gate. He handed the ticket agent his boarding pass and walked to the ramp entrance. He hesitated for a moment as he turned around and scanned the corridor where he'd just been, unsure of what he expected to find. Nothing. He shrugged to himself and walked down the ramp to his plane.

Beyond Logan's field of vision, Kendall was sitting in one of the airport's uncomfortably hard seats. After he had failed to follow his friend to the gate, he'd been gripped by a sadness that had come over him only once before - a sadness that he felt in the pit of his stomach and radiated out of him like dark light from a dark star. His Dad's death had made him feel like that. And now, Logan's departure. His legs felt wobbly so he'd had to sit down.

_I was too late_, he thought sullenly. He didn't know what he should do. Even if he booked a flight immediately, there was no way he could talk to Logan and say all he wanted to say. _Whatever that is! _Logan's mind had been made up so who was he to tell him he couldn't leave? What gave him the right to dictate anything to Logan? _It was his choice to leave. It wasn't my fault!_

But underneath it all, Kendall _knew_ it was partially his fault. He should've handled things differently. He never should have run out on his buddy. Had the tables been reversed, he would've expected Logan to stand by him and work things out. That's who Logan was. After his Dad had died, he'd been his rock. There was no way he could've gotten through those first few months without his best friend. Many times he'd cried on Logan's shoulder as he'd held him, not saying anything, not needing to.

_Why am I thinking about my Dad? _

Kendall didn't realize that his father represented loss. He'd lost him and it hurt like nothing else he'd ever felt. Now that Logan was gone, the same dark feeling threatened to overcome Kendall's soul. He struggled against it, fought hard to overcome it. Again, as with his father, he could feel himself losing the battle. He tried to stand and regain his composure. He couldn't.

Kendall sat down again and gripped the sides of his chair, his knuckles turning white. He began to rock himself, ever so slightly, as he stared out into space. He knew how this may have looked to passersby but couldn't care less. He'd just lost his best friend. _Funny_, he thought humorlessly. _People always say, "You look like you just lost your best friend" when someone looks depressed._ _Well, this is how it really looks! This is how it really feels!_

He was in pain - a lot of pain. Then he did something that he hadn't done in years. Leaning forward, he put his head in his hands and just let the tears come. He didn't fight them, couldn't fight them. Kendall Knight sat quietly alone and just cried.


	5. Chapter 5

**The Edge**

_Chapter Five_

Kendall was drained. He felt like he had nothing left inside both physically and emotionally. After no more tears fell from his green eyes, he knew that he had to get home, though the prospect of seeing the guys and his Mom and Katie almost froze him to the airport seat. They would demand answers or some sort of explanation – an explanation he didn't have, answers he couldn't give.

He stared at his phone thinking about whom he could call for a ride. It didn't matter. They'd all have inquiries. He slipped his cell into his pants pocket and decided to taxi back to the hotel.

After the cab dropped him off in front of the Palmwoods, he got out of the car and stared at the hotel's façade. He dreaded walking through the lobby and running into anyone he knew. But, it had to be done. He slipped on his sunglasses to hide his still puffy eyes. Taking a deep breath, he mustered what little resolve he had left and entered.

"Hey, Devil Boy!" he heard a voice shout at him from behind the lobby desk. Kendall felt his body cringe. He just wanted to get upstairs. "You've got a message," Bitters told him. "Don't make this a habit. I'm not running a message service here!" The hotel manager gave him the piece of paper.

For a moment, Kendall's mood lifted. _Could this be from him?_ Inside his head he kept repeating to himself: _Please be from Logan! Please be from Logan! _He took the note from Bitters, his hand trembling slightly. He began reading it and was instantly disappointed. It was Jo and Camille reminding him that he was supposed to meet them at the beach. Frustrated, he balled up the piece of paper and put it in his pocket. He hurried to the elevator hoping for no more interruptions.

Everyone would be home by now. He could hear them through the hall door. Carlos and James were playing their favorite racing game and getting caught up in the action and suspense. They yelled and laughed at each other. He was sure that soon they'd be wrestling around on the floor after a "foul" was committed. In the background, he could hear his Mom's voice occasionally trying to referee them. He was sure Katie would be rolling her eyes at the boys trying to do her homework on the kitchen table.

Kendall opened the door to 2J. All the activity that had occurred before he entered the room stopped immediately. The apartment was silent except for the video game's soundtrack. James turned it off. All eyes were on him now, all those questioning eyes. His mind was trying to create some sort of coherent, well thought out statement that he could give them but it didn't come. He looked from one face to another trying to gather strength from his loved ones.

Kendall opened his mouth but only two words came out. "He's gone." He walked across the apartment and headed straight to his room. He could hear them calling him back, insisting that he speak to them and explain to them what happened. He ignored their calls and closed his bedroom door behind him, locking it. He leaned on the closed door for a moment trying to adjust his eyes to the darkness. He didn't want to turn on the light. It was the darkness that comforted him now since that was how he felt on the inside.

In the shadows, he could make out Logan's bed. His roommate's usually tidy bed looked like it hadn't been made. Curious, he turned on the light. On Logan's bed he noticed a few items of clothing: ties, belt, even some shoes. He did a scan of his room and saw empty drawers, tokens missing from the dresser and night table, and a half empty closet. He crossed to his own bed and sat down, not taking his eyes off Logan's bed.

In his mind, Kendall could almost see Logan quietly reading one of his math books, occasionally looking up and sheepishly grinning at him like he'd been caught doing something wrong. He'd teased Logan once calling his textbooks "Logan porn". He'd gotten a face full of pillow for that comment.

Taking a closer look at the items on Logan's bed, something caught his eye. Underneath the small items on top, he saw his buddy's favorite jacket. Kendall stretched over and pulled it to him, knocking some of the stuff on the floor. It was the gray jacket that he'd given him a couple of Christmases ago. _Or was it his birthday?_ He'd even been allowed to wear it to a couple of Big Time Rush's photo shoots where they'd wanted "authenticity". Now it was here without its owner. It hurt Kendall that he would have left this behind. _He must really hate me now._

The thought took Kendall's breath away, like someone punching him in the stomach. His face in a grimace, he hugged his best friend's jacket close to him, willing the tears to stay away. He folded the jacket and lay down using it as his pillow. He could smell his friend's scent instantly. His brain immediately thought: _Logan!_ He didn't even have to think about it. _Logan! _He inhaled deeply trying to hold on to his friend's presence, enjoying its _Loganness_.

As Kendall hugged his friend's jacket, he felt something in one of the pockets. He felt around and finally came to a small "hidden" pocket on the inside of the lining. He reached in and pulled out a picture. It was of him and Logan taken a few weeks ago. They'd gone to an amusement park that day and had had the best day together. In the photo, his head was cocked back in laughter while Logan was looking at him, grinning widely. Both boys had their arms around each other looking so happy. In spite of his pain, Kendall smiled sadly at the memory.

"Smile pretty, pretty," he whispered to himself, looking at the photo. He ran his index finger gently over the image of Logan's face.

_**Whoa, bro! What do you think you're doing? You're not gay!**_

Kendall froze instantly. The thought hit him like a ton of bricks. If he took a step back, it _did_ feel like someone pining away for a lost love. He didn't know what to do with this sensation. He loved Logan but like a brother.

_Are you sure about that? Seems to me, you have a better relationship between you and Logan than a lot of these couples here in L.A., gay or straight._

Kendall stared at the picture he held as he leaned back on his bed's headboard. He'd always gotten along with his friend. He was always the first person he wanted to tell his secrets to. Logan was always the first to hear about any news, good or bad, that he'd had to share. When there was nothing to do and he was bored out of his mind, it was always Logan that had gotten his phone call first.

_**But that's what best buds do! Just because two guys click as friends doesn't mean that it has to turn into something fruity. You feel close to James and Carlos, too, but you don't make such a big deal when they're gone. You like them just like you like Logan.**_

That was true enough. He'd lay down his life for his friends, any of them. That just meant that he cared deeply about those closest to him, and that included Logan.

_Don't you mean __**especially**__ Logan? Think back and remember how many dates you gave up just to hang out with him. Remember the look on Logan's face every time he saw you? He always lit up when you showed up. And if you're really honest, the way you felt inside matched the expression on Logan's face!_

Kendall took the picture and placed it gently back in the jacket. Whatever was going to happen, he knew that he didn't want his closest friendship to end like this. He owed Logan more than that.

_**Not really. You went to the airport to try and reason with him. Too bad you were too late, but you tried. That's all you owe him. A phone call would tie up loose ends just as well. Call him tomorrow and end this. You're putting yourself through hell for nothing!**_

To Kendall, a lifetime of friendship wasn't "nothing". It carried an obligation to Logan. It was an unspoken rule of any relationship. If it could be saved, he had to try. If he truly cared, he was compelled to try.

_Stop hiding behind "relationship" and "friendship"! You're afraid to face the real issue. Remember what Guitar Dude said? Maybe the reason this is bugging you out so bad is because you feel something deeper, something different for Logan. Speaking of Guitar Dude, you seemed to enjoy what happened between you. There's nothing wrong with that. But isn't it telling that even in a moment so private and intimate with another guy, Logan was in your head!_

Kendall had blamed the smoking for the hallucination that he'd had after kissing Guitar Dude. Maybe there was another explanation, something he was only now beginning to contemplate.

_**You were tired and high! It was an experiment! You were curious! Take your pick. What is there to contemplate?**_

_Actually, "something deeper" would explain many things: the easy way you two have of leaning on each other, the way you're always free to put your hands on each other, the easy way you hug, the way you can finish each other's thoughts and sentences. All this and more without even a tiny bit of self-consciousness. Surely, that counts for something!_

Kendall slowly climbed out of bed and started to pace. He was restless and he didn't want to think anymore but when his brain was focused on something, it was hard to turn his thoughts off. This would have to run its' long, torturous course. Many "Eureka!" moments had come to him like this.

_**You know, if Logan is as mixed up as you are, maybe you need to give each other some time and distance just to sort things out. What would it accomplish if you go off half-cocked and say things that you're not sure about? **_

_Or worse, say things you don't mean just to get a resolution that makes you feel good about yourself and your part in this. After all, you were the one that pushed Logan away, not the other way around._

_**Time heals all wounds, and all that. Just let some healing take place before you even think about calling him.**_

_Maybe some time apart will give you a new perspective on this whole situation. You can even give yourself a chance to figure out if you merely like Logan or truly love him. That one's a biggie!_

There was only one flaw in giving themselves space and Kendall was painfully aware of it. He'd have to physically be apart from one of the most important people in his entire life. What was he going to do without Logan in his life while they "thought" about things? Everyday he'd counted on Logan for a variety of things: helping to reign in the other guys, develop some plan to thwart Gustavo, musical sounding board, or just making him laugh. How was he supposed to fill that hole in his life?

_**Wait a few weeks. Take the breathing room! You both need it.**_

_You're going to miss him, miss him a lot! It's going to take everything you have not to pick up the phone and call him just to hear his voice. Kinda like what you want to do right now! The memories that'll pop up at the most inopportune times are going to kill you inside. Can you handle that? _

_**Wait and see. Period, the end!**_

_Reluctantly, if you're this unsure, you have to wait. Take your time. But if there is an opportunity for you to take action, you'll know it when you see it! Always leave yourself open to game changing options. You don't want to lose him._

Kendall was getting tired. Hours had passed with this back and forth in his mind. Maybe time was exactly what he needed. There was no way he could resolve anything within himself, much less what was happening between him and his best friend, if Logan was here. He'd be too much of a confusing distraction. He needed his life to be as normal as possible. Work would clear his head. He'd throw himself 101% into Big Time Rush and all that it brought with it.

His other friends needed him to be Kendall - the Kendall they'd always followed, the Kendall that always steered them in the right direction. He had obligations here.

He felt that he'd made his decision. It wasn't a completely confident decision, but at least it was a starting point. He'd see how things went and in a couple of weeks, or maybe even months, he could speak to Logan with more certainty about where his reasoning was coming from. Logan would have to accept the logic in that, probably appreciate it on some level.

His eyes were finally too heavy for him to fight them anymore. He stood up and undressed to get into bed. He was too tired to even put on his pajamas. Kendall lay on his bed naked under the covers. As an impulse, he grabbed Logan's jacket and fumbled for the photo of them. He took it out and put it on the nightstand. Carefully and gently, he placed the picture so that it was facing him. An involuntary sigh escaped his body.

As he was falling into a much-deserved sleep, he barely registered a small voice inside him that said one little word:

_See! ?_


	6. Chapter 6

**The Edge**

_Chapter Six_

Kendall's Mom dropped him off at Rocque Records late. She'd told him that she'd heard him pacing in his room the previous night. She knew that he'd only gotten a couple of hours sleep so she'd let him sleep in. She was a mother first, after all.

Kendall entered the building through a side entrance he'd never used before. He was trying to avoid running into Gustavo who would chew his butt off for being late. He was walking with his head down, sunglasses on, trying to be inconspicuous, when he ran into someone. He looked up to apologize to the guy he'd run into.

"I am so sorry. I – I - Logie!" Kendall immediately embraced him tightly.

Standing in front of him was one confused boy. He didn't embrace Kendall back. Kendall felt this and let go and really looked at the fellow standing in front of him. He had Logan's haircut, was wearing something potentially out of Logan's closet, had his body type, and even his face – mostly.

"Dude, I am so sorry!" Kendall fumbled. "I totally thought you were someone else."

The confusion on the guy's face fell away into a smile. "That's a lucky someone else. I'm Jimmy, by the way."

He extended his hand when something behind Kendall caught Jimmy's eye. There was a huge poster of Big Time Rush hanging in this studio annex. He saw Kendall's face on the poster.

"Wow!" he said pointing to the picture, eyes wide. "That's you!"

Kendall turned around and saw his own huge face in front of him. But that's not what disturbed him. It was the activity happening in the annex that left him speechless. There were at least 15 or 20 "Logans" all holding sheet music, walking around, singing or practicing their vocal scales.

Kendall apologized again to Jimmy and started to walk towards the studio. He heard Jimmy call after him.

"Maybe we'll see each other again soon!"

Kendall waved at the boy before entering a secure area of the building. _That was weird!_ _He looks so much like Logan. Except for the eyes. He didn't have Logan's eyes. Those deep, brown trusting eyes! And I can't believe that the first thing I did was throw myself into his arms. What the hell?_

He finally arrived in his part of the building. He went to his closet and deposited his stuff. He wanted to find James and Carlos and ask them what was going on.

He knocked on Carlos' door but it was silent inside.

He went on to James' door where he heard a conversation taking place. He knocked anyway.

"Yo!" James yelled. Kendall let himself in. "Hey, Bro! You okay? Looking a little rough!"

"Yeah, and thanks _a lot_! Look guys, I have something to tell you about Logan and I'm just not sure how."

"That's okay, Kendall," Carlos responded. "We already know why Logan left."

Kendall was surprised at the news. But how? No one but he and Logan knew what was going on.

"We called Logan last night when you wouldn't answer any of our questions," James offered. "We couldn't just sit by and let Big Time Rush go to hell. And, honestly, we thought that you had something to do with Logan leaving. We were getting a little mad at you, Bro!"

"That's true," Carlos said. "But Logan told us that it was all his decision. He said he really did miss his house and Minnesota and that maybe BTR would be a hindrance for him when it came time to study medicine."

Kendall's throat was dry. Logan hadn't told them everything. But in the things he'd left out, he was protecting Kendall – and he saw it. _You're the best, Logan._

"Did he say anything else?" he asked in a raspy voice.

"He did ask about you and how you were feeling," Carlos chimed in. "It's like he knew that you were acting weird."

Kendall had to change the subject. "Speaking of weird, what's up with all those guys in the annex?"

"Dude, you didn't hear? Oh, that's right. You weren't here for the morning meeting! Gustavo is holding auditions for Logan's replacement. He says that he should have another band mate for us by the end of the week."

Kendall was speechless. _Gustavo is going to replace Logan? He's only been gone two days! Who could possibly replace Logan? He is irreplaceable, unique. _

This was a game changer. When he thought about doing all this without his best pal, his mind turned blank. He couldn't even picture it, didn't want to picture it. They'd all worked so hard to make it this far and he wanted Logan, the _real_ Logan, at his side.

_I want him at my side. No, I __**need**__ him at my side! And, maybe not only for the group's sake. I want him by my side for me. Just for me!_

The last thought in his mind startled him but didn't frighten him. For the first time, Kendall could think of other possibilities when it came to his friend. For the first time in his life, he felt an ache for his buddy. He knew he had to see Logan as soon as he possibly could both for BTR and for himself.

"Where are you going?" James asked as Kendall stood to go. "What're you going to do?"

"Things are getting out of control. We are a group and best friends. We belong together as Big Time Rush and Logan is a huge part of it. I'm doing what I should have done a couple of days ago and fixing this!"

Kendall's stride was confident and determined. He had a mission in his head and nothing was going to stand in his way. There was no way he'd let two of the most important things in his life fail. Without Logan, there was no BTR. Somehow, he'd have to make Gustavo see this and at least let him try to remedy the situation.

"GUSTAVO!" Kendall yelled as he opened the door to one of the audition rooms. He'd never interrupted the big man while he was doing something so important but he didn't care. He was ready to accept the consequences.

"DOG! What in the whole, wide crazy world are you doing? I'm working here!" Gustavo was not happy. No one had ever dared to disturb his genius at work.

"I need to talk to you. I know what you're doing here and I don't want a new band mate. Big Time Rush already has all the members it needs!" Turning around, he told a bemused boy, "No offense, Dude."

In the corner of the audition room was one of the many "Logans". Kendall would have thought this situation was amusing at any other time, but this "Logan" represented a huge change, one he didn't want to make. There was only one Logan and he had to get him back.

"My office. NOW!" Gustavo bellowed at Kendall. Gustavo was surprised at Kendall's hard stare that didn't back down from his own hard, cold gaze. Even before the office door closed, Kendall was on the producer.

"It's only been two days and you're already looking for a replacement for Logan? Can't you even let the body get cold first? Who _does_ that?" Kendall's anger was building inside him.

"Alright, Kendog! Three things: First, _I_ am the producer here. _I_ don't owe anyone any explanations for how I think BTR should be developed. Second, Logan is the one who left, not the other way around. He decided to go back home and pursue his other interests. Third, I will not have BTR idle while you or the other Dogs lick your Logan wounds. Do you know how much it costs to have my little band _not_ recording, _not_ touring, _not_ merchandising? It costs a lot, my friend. A LOT!"

Kendall knew Gustavo's words were true but that was not his top concern right now. If he had to choose between BTR and Logan, BTR would lose every time. He'd have to make Gustavo see that without Logan, there was no Big Time Rush.

"Gustavo, from the beginning you knew that this group was more than just a vehicle for the four of us. I remember telling you that the only way I would come to L.A. was if you brought the other guys with me. You did that and I am so grateful to you. But now one of the vital elements is gone and we didn't even put up a fight for him! We can't just give up on Logan. He deserves better from us – from me!"

"What are you saying, Kendall? That I didn't try to stop him? That I can't do my job?"

"No, Boss, but why not let me try? I know Logan and what makes him tick. I can get him to change his mind if you let me. At least let me try!"

Gustavo considered what his band's leader was telling him. The best scenario would be if Logan came back. His face and voice were already known factors and he'd spent a lot of time and resources marketing this lineup. On the other hand, Logan's mindset was an unknown. He'd been a little off these past few days and he wasn't sure why. Additionally, the replacement process had gone too far for the plug to be pulled. Besides, he was sure that he could find someone else that sang even better than Logan. No, it was too late. He sighed before he told Kendall what he had decided.

"Kendall, the process has to continue. I can't stop it. Logan made his decision and I am going to respect it."

"Please, Boss? Let me fly to Minnesota and try. I know things that you don't. This can't end like this!"

Gustavo sensed something else was going on. Kendall wasn't telling him everything. However, he didn't have time to probe into non-business considerations right now.

"No, sorry." He saw that Kendall was not leaving. " You can go now."

Kendall pressed on, unphased. "If you let me borrow the Rocque jet, I could be there in a few…"

"Hah! The Dog wants to borrow the company jet! That's rich! No. NO! NOOOOO!"

Kendall was beginning to panic at his apparent failure. _Is this how it's going to end? NO! I refuse! _He had to bluff so he put on his best poker face.

"Gustavo, how much would it cost the company to replace two of the members of Big Time Rush? Because, if you don't let me go after Logan, you can say goodbye to me, too. And, come to think of it, if I leave, do you think that the other guys would want to hang around? How much more would it cost to start from scratch?" He held his breath, silently praying that his bluff would pay off.

"WHAT? Is the Little Dog trying to tell the Big Dog how to handle his business? What is wrong with you? Are you truly prepared to throw everything away for your friend in Minnesota? Is that what you're telling me?"

In a small, pleading voice, all Kendall could manage was, "Please." Kendall looked at his Boss with moist eyes. "Please?"

Gustavo had never known Kendall to plead for anything before. He'd always been self-sufficient and always had a plan for everything. This was a Kendall he'd never seen before: sad, desperate, and nearly defeated. But it was his broken voice and teary eyes that gave him pause.

"Dammit, Kendall!"

Kendall looked at him again. _I think I got him. Please, oh, please!_

Reluctantly, Gustavo said, "Alright, alright! You have exactly 24 hours, and not a second longer, to try to get Logan back. If you and my plane are not back in that time, just stay in Minnesota. You won't be coming back here. Do we understand each other?" Gustavo's look was hard and intimidating.

"I understand, Boss! We'll be back, I promise!" Kendall lunged at the big man and planted a wet kiss on his big cheek.

"Gross! I have Dog germs! Now get out of here. Take my personal Rocque limo and it'll take you directly to the Rocque jet. I'll have Kelly call and have them fuel it up. Now go! You have 23 hours and 59 minutes left! Keeeellllyyyyy!"

As he ran out of the office, Kendall called behind him, "Thanks, Gustavo! You're the best!"

The big man just snorted and scowled at his young talent. But on the inside, he was hopeful. This might work out after all.

As Kendall sat in the limousine, he knew he had to let the other guys know what was going on, where he was. But first, he'd have to call his Mom and tell her where he was going. He dialed her cell number.

"Mom! Listen, I'm on the way to the airport to get on the Rocque jet. I have to go to Minnesota and try to convince Logan to come back since it was my fault he left in the first place!"

He paused as his Mom spoke to him.

"I know that's what he said. We'll have to sit down and talk once I get back. There's more to the story than what Logan said. No, I don't have time to pack. I'll call you when I get back. Love you."

He was on his way, _really_ on his way. It finally hit Kendall that this was it. He'd be seeing his best guy in a few short hours and he had to work out what he was going to say to him for both professional and personal reasons. He was scared. If he failed again this time, as he had in the airport, there was no second chance. He had to make this one count. He closed his eyes, his mind still blank.

_Speak from your heart. Just speak from your heart!_

Quietly, Kendall whispered to himself, "Logie, I'm coming. I'm coming to bring you home!"

Kendall sat back in his seat, staring out his round portal window, as he watched the clouds whip past him.


	7. Chapter 7

**The Edge**

_Chapter Seven_

Logan was tired of being in his room. Ever since he'd arrived at his parent's home, he hadn't felt like seeing anyone or answering questions about why he was back and the others were not. This was not exactly how he pictured his homecoming. He thought if he put distance between himself and "that guy", it would be out of sight, out of mind. It hadn't worked out that way.

He'd tried to take a walk to clear his head but this was a neighborhood full of memories. Everywhere he walked he saw things that reminded him of Kendall. He had tried so hard not to walk in front of his friend's old house, but failed. Once there, he saw the old tree that he'd climbed to Kendall's room a thousand times. In the park, the swings, the slide, and even the sandbox took him back to places in his mind that made him happy and so very sad at the same time. The final straw was when he caught a glimpse of the ice rink. Unwilling to endure more pain, he'd given up and went back home. At the moment, he was trying to keep his mind occupied by reading a book. He'd read the same page at least three times and still didn't know what it said.

"Get a grip, Logan," he mumbled to himself. _This can't be all there is. Is this how I'm going to feel until I die? I don't know if I can take it!_ He shook his head trying to clear his thoughts. He tried to read the same page again, and actually comprehended its contents, when someone decided it was the perfect time to disturb him. _Oh that's just freaking perfect! _He'd have to answer the door since both his parents were working. They'd been pretty good about letting people know that he was "feeling under the weather" and that he'd call them when he was better. He appreciated that. Logan got up, walked to the door, and looked through the peephole.

It was like exhaling every bit of air in his lungs all at once. The gasp that escaped him seemed to echo from everywhere. _Oh my God, Kendall! _His mind raced trying to grasp onto something that he could understand and make sense of. This definitely did not qualify. _Kendall! _He took a couple of steps away from the door.

There was another, louder knock. It made Logan jump. _What should I do? I don't think I can answer the door! What will I say? _He tried to breathe normally. Closing his eyes, he contemplated all the reasons why he should face his friend at this exact moment. He left L.A. to put space between them and hopefully, when things between them stopped being weird, get back the friendship they once had. Still, that was the best-case scenario. The worst case was not seeing or speaking to Kendall ever again. He'd made a decision in Hollywood, though, and he intended to see it through no matter what it took. He'd just have to make Kendall understand that this was for the best. He had his life in L.A. and he'd make a life of his own here. Taking a couple of deep breaths, he decided to open the door.

He opened the door and they immediately locked eyes on each other. Kendall looked a bit nervous but anxious to have his say. He was determined to have his friend back and working with him again. Logan was set on telling his friend that he understood he wasn't interested in him but that they had to move on with their lives apart – for now. Both secretly hoped that each was at least a little happy to see the other.

Kendall entered the room silently and slowly made his way to the couch. It felt good being in his best friend's house again. He remembered many good times happening in this room, this house. He would have to draw on this energy if he had any hope of taking Logan back with him. He sat down without being asked and waited for Logan to join him.

Logan sat in the chair opposite Kendall and waited for his childhood friend to say something.

"How're your parents?" Kendall asked nervously but trying to maintain his composure.

"They're fine."

"How've you been? Have you talked to any of our old school friends and stuff?"

"Not really. I've kinda been a loner since I arrived."

"Ah. That's cool. So – so - it looks like it's been raining a little. On the way from the airport, I saw puddles and…"

Logan's quizzical look changed into one of disbelief. "Wait a sec. You're actually talking to me about the rain? Are you serious?"

There was an awkward silence as Kendall heard his own words and decided that they were indeed lame. _So lame!_

"I – I – You're right. I'm sorry but it's just – I'm just…"

"What is it, Kendall? You know what? It doesn't matter. I'm actually glad that you came to see me. I have something to tell you, a decision I've made that will make things between us more normal, like before. I mean, eventually we can, maybe, have our old relationship back. I just don't know if we can do it if we see each other every day, day in and day out, at work and in our down time. It would be very frustrating and painful for me, at least for right now."

Kendall didn't like where this was heading. He felt Logan slipping away from him. Without thinking, he blurted out, "Gustavo is trying to replace you! He's holding auditions for someone to take your place. You need to come back with me and tell him that you made a huge mistake and that you want back in to BTR. The group needs you. It hasn't been the same without you there. The guys miss you. Kelly and even Gustavo miss you."

Logan looked at Kendall and raised an eyebrow.

"Kendall, you know that the reasons I left L.A. still exist. Besides, I gave Gustavo my resignation and he is free to do what he needs to do to keep BTR going. I still want you guys to be as successful as you can possibly be but just without me." Logan felt a tug in his heart knowing that his friends would go on to bigger things without him. He would miss out on all the new experiences that come with celebrity and fame and money. Still, there were more important things going on right now. _I mustn't lose sight of that!_

Kendall realized that appealing to Logan on behalf of the group wasn't going to work. He'd have to tell him the truth. He was planning on telling him after he had brought him back with him but now he couldn't wait. Logan deserved to hear it now. _Just go for it! You're out of time._

"And - and I miss you, too. I miss my best bud being with me. Come back with me. There is no way that I can let you go like this. Not like this with this _thing_ hanging between us."

Logan looked deeply into Kendall's radiant green eyes. "This _thing_, Kendall? You mean how I feel about you? You mean this _thing_ where I still love you? This _thing_ where I can't stop thinking about you every moment of every day? Is that what you're talking about?" Logan's emotions were threatening to take over.

Kendall's eyes softened as he heard the pain in his best boy's voice. He knew that he was responsible for his misery. _I'm so sorry, Logan. If only I knew then what I know now… _That was it. Kendall knew what he had to say.

"Lo, since you left, some things have changed. I know things about myself now that I didn't know even a few short days ago." Kendall reached over to his friend and took his hand in both of his own. He gave his friend a weak, nervous smile. _This is what he must have felt like when he told me about his feelings toward me. Nerve wracking!_

Logan looked down in disbelief as he felt Kendall's warm, soft hands envelope his. _Has something changed in Kendall or am I just projecting what I want him to feel? What's his game? I'm confused! _"Kendall, - "

"Wait, Logan. Just let me say this or I may never be able to get it out and I need to tell you something important!"

Logan nodded imperceptibly but Kendall caught it. He noticed everything about him now. He was hypersensitive to him and it felt both scary and exciting at the same time. He looked deeply into those innocent, deep, brown eyes and continued.

"When you told me how you felt, I _did_ freak out. We'd been friends for forever and I couldn't see passed that. It never occurred to me that there could be other possibilities for us. My brain couldn't wrap itself around it. But I – but now - "

"But now?" The light in Logan's eyes briefly reappeared. Kendall noticed the minute change in his buddy and gathered strength from it, ready to go on. Kendall sighed and hoped that what he was about to tell Logan wouldn't hurt him too much – too much more.

"A couple of days ago, when I was in pain and confused about us, I had an unusual encounter with Guitar Dude. He told me his philosophy about relationships and karma and being open to different possibilities. He's a pretty complex dude, actually, and a pretty good guy. But, in the middle of our talk, he told me that he's been with guys as well as girls. I was surprised, but not shocked. What did shock me a little was – was when he – he…" Kendall swallowed hard. _Please understand, Lo! Please!_

"What, Kendall? What happened?" Logan felt the sweat from Kendall's hands on his. He was worried about what he would say to him next. He could feel his friend's anxiety. Softly, he said, "Tell me."

"Well, we were both high and he decided to – to kiss me. He said he saw something deep in me and that's something that he is attracted to. And the thing is, Lo, that I was taken aback at first. I decided, though, that I would go with the flow, too. The thing is, I kissed him back. I kissed him back because I wanted to, because it felt good."

The look of hurt and disbelief on Logan's face made Kendall wince and bite his lower lip. He hadn't wanted to hurt his friend but he had to be honest with him if this was going to work out. Honesty had to be the cornerstone of whatever they built together. But now it was Kendall's heart that sank when he felt Logan slowly remove his hand from his.

"You _kissed_ him?" Logan's misty eyes betrayed his hurt, confusion, and perceived betrayal. "You _really_ kissed him?" Logan's mind raced. _Why him and not me, Kendall? I don't understand! __**I'm**__ the one who loves you. __**I'm**__ the one who would've done anything to be with you! __**I'm**__ the one who appreciates everything that you are, as is. I was right in front of you! Why not me? Why wasn't it __**me**__?_

As if reading his mind, Kendall said, "Lo, that's something that I couldn't do with you at the time. I was still freaking out about you and trying to think of a way to keep you in my life but at a distance, if that makes any sense. But Guitar Dude let me glimpse a side of me that I'd never even let myself imagine or explore. What he said about you made more sense to me. Maybe if I would've been more honest with myself, we could have avoided all this – drama."

"What're you saying, Kendall? Are you trying to tell me that this thing with Guitar Dude is a good thing for us?" He looked into Kendall's eyes and, in the faintest of whispers, asked, "Did you and he do anything else together?" He averted his eyes and held his breath waiting for Kendall to answer.

"No, Logie. Nothing else happened, I swear!" Kendall heard Logan exhale.

"Then, why couldn't it have been me? Am I not good enough for you? Do I look horrible? Haven't I been there for you any time you needed me?" He paused and swallowed hard. "Do you have feelings for him?"

"No, Logie, I don't. You have to try to understand. I couldn't have a physical relationship with you because I didn't know that I could think about us like that. And even if I'd wanted to experiment or explore or whatever you want to call it, there was no way that I would risk our friendship. What if it didn't work out or if we ended up resenting each other or being ashamed of what we did? You are way too important to risk. I can't see passed you when I try to picture the future. You're always there. I didn't want to risk that. Please try and understand. I was scared, too. This was all new to me. It still is! Guitar Dude just helped me shift my focus, widen my horizons. That's why I'm here, Logan. I want you to come back with me so we can figure out what we should do – together."

Logan sensed that what Kendall said was true and that he believed it. Relieved that nothing sexual happened between Kendall and Guitar Dude, he felt his tension level drop. He was still upset that Kendall had turned to someone else, but touched that he cared so much about their friendship that he hadn't wanted to put it in jeopardy. And he could understand Kendall's confusion and hurt. He'd felt the same way for the last few days, too.

"Kendall, I'm so touched that you came all this way to tell me all this. I am so happy for your personal growth and the new insights you have into yourself. And I'd be lying if I told you that I didn't miss everyone in L.A. I'm tempted to go back. I really am. But – "

_No, Logie. Don't say "but"!_ Kendall reached out to Logan but he stood, avoiding his touch, and walked to the middle of the room to face him, arms crossed.

"Kendall, there is no way that I could return and pretend that everything between us is okay. I – I _love_ you! To me, there are no ''and's'', ''if's'', or ''but's'' about it. There is no way I could hide my feelings for you day in and day out. I can't live my life pretending all the time. It would be like lying to everyone we know every minute of every day. That's not fair to either one of us or to them. Can't you see that it's for the best if we – we just see each other, like, on Christmas and send the odd birthday card now and again? I want you and the guys to succeed. Go make your dreams come true. I'll be your biggest cheerleader, I promise. But you still need to go. You – you should go _now_." Logan had to wipe a tear with his sleeve. He was trying so hard to maintain while looking at his closest friend's pleading eyes. _Go __**now**__, please! This is killing me!_

The urgency overcame Kendall's composure. He was not about to let Logan slip away. He felt his own eyes getting wet in spite of him willing the tears away. "Please, Logie! We can make this work. If anyone can, it's us – it's you! Look!" Kendall leaned forward on his sofa and pulled something out of his back pocket. It was a little wrinkled and he tried to smooth it out before handing it to Logan. "Remember this?"

Logan haltingly made his way to Kendall and took what was being offered to him. He remembered this picture. They'd had a blast and a half that day. It had been great fun spending the entire day alone together just being stupid and silly. He realized that this might have been the day when he'd seen Kendall in a different light. He smiled sadly while staring at the photo trying to remember every last detail before handing it back to Kendall.

"What are you trying to say? I know that we were great friends. We still are, but I want more. Even if I went back, can you guarantee that we would work out? Can you tell me with certainty that nothing would change in our careers or between our friendships with the other guys, our families, our colleagues?"

"Nothing is ever guaranteed, Lo, but I think we should give it a try. The important thing to me is that we take the journey together. If you don't want to go to L.A., then that's okay. I'll quit BTR, too. We can make our own life together somewhere else, far away, if we want. We can do this, I promise. Don't let it end like this. _Please_!"

The emotion in his voice surprised them both. He'd never spoken from this part of his heart before. He wasn't used to the depth of raw emotion coursing through him all at once. But it was Logan! _Why didn't I see this before? _Kendall stood up but promptly went down on his knees.

"Do you want me to beg? This is me begging. Please, Logan, come back with me. I don't want to do BTR without you. I don't want to live my daily life without you. And I don't want this opportunity between you and me to go away without us fully taking advantage of it. I want, no, I need to see where it leads us. _Please_, Logie? I'm sorry I was so stupid and blind. Forgive me. I was an idiot! Please, _please_ come home!" Kendall bowed his head.

Logan's heart was breaking as he watched his friend kneeling in front of him begging to be forgiven, pleading for him to go back. The tone in Kendall's voice told him that this apology was heartfelt and true. He walked to where he was and took Kendall's bowed head in his hands, his fingers getting lost in his tousled blond hair. Kendall rested his head on Logan's tummy and gently put his arms loosely around Logan's legs. After cradling his head a few moments longer, Logan knelt in front of him. Ever so slowly, he raised his hand to Kendall's chin and lifted his face to him. Kendall had been quietly sobbing and tears were falling from his eyes.

"Oh, Kendall," Logan cooed as he wiped the tears from his friend's face. They looked into each other's eyes and became mesmerized. Logan put both his hands on either side of Kendall's face and gently pulled him closer. He licked his own lips and paused. _If you want to pull away, do it now!_

The kiss was small and tentative but sweet. Logan opened his eyes and looked at Kendall whose smile was all the permission he needed. He kissed him again and felt Kendall kiss him back, passionately and deeply. Their arms pulled each other closer, refusing to let each other go.

Breathing hard, Kendall whispered to his soul mate, "I'm not leaving without you, Lo. **Give It Up**!" He kissed him again gently on his forehead then quietly spoke into his ear. "Take me upstairs, Logie." _I want to see what it means to love – to love you!_

Logan silently stood and pulled Kendall up with him. Still holding his hand, he led him up the stairs to his bedroom. Kendall entered the room and sat on the bed. As Logan closed his bedroom door, Kendall stretched out his arms to his new love wanting to hold him again. Logan melted into them and felt that he had gone to heaven, happy to know that it really did exist. He gave Kendall many soft little kisses all over his face before being pulled tightly against his body. Kendall flipped him on his back until he was on top, looking into Logan's sweet, dark eyes. They looked alive once again and it made Kendall's spirit fly. _My Logie!_

"I – I love you." Kendall felt it. He really and truly felt it now. "My Logie. My Baby!" he sighed, moving closer to Logan's lips. They kissed again deeply knowing where this would lead them. Their bodies would not be denied.

That afternoon, they proved themselves to each other with an all consuming, frenzied passion.


	8. Chapter 8

**The Edge**

_Epilogue_

The party was a rousing success and Gustavo took all the credit, as usual. A hundred guests were being treated like royalty with mountains of caviar, free flowing imported champagne, and any kind of food imaginable. All the guests were content and happy to be celebrating Big Time Rush's 3rd multi-platinum selling album. It was hard to believe that only two short years ago, the boys had been just another aspiring band trying to conquer the music world. To Gustavo Rocque, success was indeed the best revenge against those who doubted him and his Dogs. He grabbed a flute of champagne and walked over to where the boys had gathered along with Kelly, Jo, Camille, and Kendall's family – their intimate little group.

"Monkey Dogs!" Gustavo yelled as he approached them. This yell was different. It was a genuinely happy shouting that escaped the big man. "I want to propose a toast. Everybody get a glass!"

"Woo hoo!" James shouted. "I'll drink to that!"

"He hasn't said anything yet, Bro! Chill!" Carlos picked up two glasses and handed one to James.

The talk immediately ceased among the small group as they shifted their attention to the Big Dog. They all took a flute, except Katie who protested when her Mom handed her apple juice, and waited for the Boss Man to make his toast.

"I just wanna say that, in my heart, I always knew that one day we would be standing here with the music world at our feet. I worked you boys hard because I knew you could take it and because that's what it took to be the best, which is what Big Time Rush is. You guys made this happen. You deserve everything and more. Kendall. Logan. James. Carlos. May success and happiness always be in your life because you all deserve it and you have earned it. You are my lucky charm and I am so grateful to you all. TO BIG TIME RUSH!"

Almost in unison, the close-knit little group repeated, "To Big Time Rush!" They all clinked their glasses together, smiling and laughing, and drank.

"Oh, wow! What are those? They're beautiful!" When their glasses made contact with hers, Kelly's sharp eyes had caught sight of matching platinum rings on Kendall and Logan's fingers. "Let me see those."

Both boys held up their hands so Kelly could examine the rings. She took their hands in hers. Tentatively, she whispered to them, "What are these for? Do they mean anything?" She smiled at them already guessing at the answer.

Kendall and Logan exchanged glances before breaking into laughter.

"Should we tell them?" Kendall asked Logan. Logan nodded his head, trying to contain himself.

"Well, Guys, I guess Logan and I have an announcement of our own to make." He paused and looked at the faces of his family and extended family. These were the people that loved him and would support anything that made him happy. He knew that Logan would feel the same way about their little group.

"Logie, let's sit up here on the counter while we tell them the news."

Logan hopped up and sat down beside him so that he could look down at everyone all at once. He was nervous but more excited and happy.

"What's going on, Guys? What're you up to?" James picked up another glass of bubbly, eyes narrowed.

"We know that you all care about us and would support us if what we wanted to do would make us happy. Right now, only one thing would make Kendall and me happy – happier than we already are, that is!"

Kendall took Logan's hand and held it gently. He saw a couple of people widen their eyes and smiled at them. "Last night, Logan asked me to marry him!"

"Oh my God! Are you serious?" Carlos was wide eyed.

"It's about freaking time! I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop on this drama for a while now!" James took a swig from his glass. "About freakin' time!" he repeated, lifting his glass, slurring a bit. "Haaaaaaaa!" He emptied the rest of his champagne.

"Kendall!" his Mom exclaimed. "How did he ask you?"

"Well, we were at our place and he did the whole dressed in a tux, down on his knee, champagne, candles, and rose petal thing. It was so very touching and romantic I wanted to cry!" He looked at Logan who was blushing a little, but smiling so big at him.

"Well, don't keep us in suspense! What did you say?" Kelly could barely contain herself.

Logan jumped in. "_I'll_ tell you what he said! After I asked him to be with me as my husband, you know what he did? He acted like he'd just scored the winning goal in the Stanley Cup. I'm there kneeling in front of him when he stands up, throws his fists above his head, and yells 'YES!' I thought he was going to high five me!"

Kendall looked sheepish as he recalled the events of the previous evening. He laughed in spite of himself and squeezed Logan's hand. Logan joined in the laughter, touching his head with Kendall's.

Kendall's Mom, Katie, Jo, Camille, and Kelly all screamed at the same time. They were obviously happy for the boys as they raced up to them full of hugs and kisses.

Carlos and James both hugged their buddies and expressed their solidarity and support for them. They would be there for them no matter what. Of course, the competition for Best Man would be rough!

Gustavo seemed to be the only one who wasn't exactly ecstatic about the idea of two of his boys going off into the sunset together. What a public relations nightmare this was going to be for Big Time Rush!

Kelly saw the look on her boss' face and made her way to his side. "Gustavo, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking about the PR fallout of this when it reaches the press. I thought about that, too, when the boys told us about themselves last year, after all the drama. It'll work out, Boss. This could be our new gimmick. You just have to spin it right. And if anyone can make this work, it's _you_!"

Gustavo rolled this around in his mind. "That's true. I can sell anything to anyone anytime I want. I'll find a way to make this an advantage!" He looked at the two boys perched on the bar and decided that he could do this – for them.

Kendall and Logan saw the intense conversation between their boss and his assistant. They knew that there would be concerns about their marriage – Civil Union, actually. They were worried that Gustavo would cut them from BTR but that was a chance they were both willing to take. It was a small sacrifice to make for a lifetime together, living out in the open, true to themselves and their loved ones. That's all that mattered.

Gustavo walked to where the boys were sitting.

"Is everything okay, Boss?" Logan asked. "Is there a problem?" He glanced worriedly at Kendall who returned his concerned look.

"No. Everything is _not_ okay! Not at all!" He looked around in mock anger. "Why in the heck hasn't anybody toasted the good news? What a shame!" He chuckled as he saw the expression on the boys' faces change from worried to happy in an instant.

Kendall giggled as he good-naturedly punched his boss on the shoulder.

In a booming voice, Gustavo raised his glass and said, "To Kendall and Logan! May their happiness last forever and then some. Congratulations on your union!"

Logan and Kendall drank from their flutes and exchanged a quick kiss. Logan leaned in to whisper into his fiancé's ear. "Kendall, I feel so happy – **So Happy I Could Die**!"

"Not so fast, Baby. We're just starting out. There's plenty of life that we have in front of us and I intend to spend it with you. Only you!" Kendall felt Logan give him a quick peck on the cheek and rest his head on his shoulder.

Sensing an intimate moment between the boys, Gustavo and Kelly both shooed the others away and told them to continue to mingle with the invited guests, press, and VIP's.

Gently, Kendall nuzzled close and sang softly, lovingly into Logan's ear. "_So young and full of running all the way to the edge of desire. Steady my breathing, silently screaming: I have to have you now…"_

And the celebration continued…

_End_

**Author's Note**: So there it is! I hope that you enjoyed reading _The Edge_. It was great fun to write and also cathartic in some ways. I've heard it said that beginning writers should write what they know. I decided to do just that and use Kendall and Logan as alter egos. Hopefully, the dialogue in the story rang true for you. It should have. Some of those words were actually spoken by my best friend and I when I told him I had feelings for him. Unfortunately, things worked out better for Kendall and Logan than they did for us. That's okay, though. It was a learning experience and a life lesson that has served me well, in spite of the pain it caused at the time.

As for the story, in the final chapter (Chapter Seven), I wrote an erotic episode for that section but decided that it would be too long and take away from the story of love and discovery of _feelings_ rather than discovering the physical act of love. However, I hope I conveyed that the two _did_ make love when Kendall finally opened his eyes and saw Logan as his soul mate.

I took a chance by doing an inner dialogue with Kendall (Chapter Five). I wasn't sure exactly how to proceed. I hope that the method I used and the meaning was clear to everyone. The reason for the inner argument was obvious to me. After all, who hasn't argued with oneself at one time or another? Or whose brain hasn't battled their heart because of someone special? We are all of two minds when confronting monumental decisions. I hope that came across to everyone.

Lastly, I'd like to sincerely thank those of you who stuck with me, read the entire story, and watched the videos on YouTube. Every time I got an Alert for a Review or Fave Story or Fave Author, etc., it touched me. I am extremely grateful to all those that took some time and wrote a comment or two for me. It was very much appreciated! I hope I can count on all of you when I post my second story. Until then…

_Manny 101_

BTW, I've updated my Profile with a few points about the album art for Big Time Rush's _BTR _CD. Silly? Yes, but I hope you check it out anyway!

**Disclaimer**:I do not own Big Time Rush, John Mayer, or his song,_ Edge of Desire_. I am, however, thankful for the song that inspired the cover version by Kendall Schmidt & Logan Henderson. Without it, this story would have never been written.


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